Gifted Intensity: Enthusiasm and Heartbreak

September 10 was a day L had been looking forward to for weeks. He is aware of, and eagerly anticipates, all Apple events and the day I am writing about was the September 10, 2013 Apple Special Event.  He had been talking about this event for weeks, planning for it, researching, blogging about expected releases, providing tech reviews and all in all obsessing about it. This is just who he is. I get it. I am similar; however, sometimes I am startled by the all encompassing focus.

We were all aware of the event and that we would not be leaving the house during the livestream. Imagine if I had to try and coerce this kid to go to school...that would be a power struggle not worth having.  I am not much for coercion based anything.

The kid was up at the crack of dawn gearing up for it. At 7am he announced that he was going to watch the Apple World Wide Developer Conference (WWDC) 2013 before the 10am livestream.  He was in prep mode for the big event. We were all together watching the WWDC 2013 on our new Apple TV until about 9:55.  In five minutes the live event would be starting.  Excitement was in the air.  This is the level of interest he has in all things tech, and in particular, Apple special events and product launches.

10:03 rolls around and NO LIVESTREAM. The panic starts to set in.  Disbelief, uncertainty, frustration but L will not give up on looking for the livestream. Painful moments later, reality sets in that it is 10:09 and there is no livestream and all his hopes and expectations for today have been shattered. Disappointment is an understatement. This feels like everything...like a life shattering event with no silver lining and no hope that it will be available to him for future viewing.  This is not a little thing and it is not going to roll off his back.  He is inconsolable and out of sorts.  The devastation is palpable and soul crushing.  An hour later he is still thinking about how impossibly wrong it is that Apple didn't livestream the event.  He starts comparing this event to Samsung's Galaxy Note III live event on September 4, 2013.  He starts questioning his loyalty to Apple despite being a hardcore Apple enthusiast.  This betrayal/revenge type thinking is nothing new. This is just a glimpse into how his emotional intensity manifests.

Hours later, upon the realization that Apple decided to release the the livestream online he was ecstatic. The emotional rollercoaster ride he was on today turned out positively for him and all Apple fans.  He was jumping around doing a happy dance exclaiming:

"I am sorry, I cannot contain my excitement."

The mourning is over.  The rush of positive energy permeates the room. Emotional intensity is not for the faint of heart.  The trickiest part is understanding a perspective so vastly different from your own.  Both of my kids are extremely high in emotional overexcitability and each of them demonstrates their intensity in disparate ways.  My boys are a lot to take in and we, as a family, are extreme.

Emotional intensity runs rampant in our home and I am pretty sure five year old S is the heavy weight champ of emotional intensity. Nothing is small. Every slight is overwhelmingly heartbreaking.  Each discrepancy between what ought to be and what is manifests as an all encompassing, devastating blow. Everything has meaning.  Highs and lows. You just never know which one it will be.  S keeps us on our toes and we must always be prepared. Anticipation is essential.

Emotional overexcitability (OE) is demonstrated by intensified feelings and emotions.  Emotional OE is often the first to be noticed by parents. It is reflected in heightened, intense feelings, extremes of complex emotions, identification with others’ feelings, and strong affective expression (Piechowski, 1991). Other manifestations include physical responses like stomachaches and blushing or concern with death and depression (Piechowski, 1979). Emotionally overexcitable people have a remarkable capacity for deep relationships; they show strong emotional attachments to people, places, and things (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977). They have compassion, empathy, and sensitivity in relationships. Those with strong emotional OE are acutely aware of their own feelings, of how they are growing and changing, and often carry on inner dialogs and practice self-judgment (Piechowski, 1979, 1991). Children high in Emotional OE‚ are often accused of “overreacting.”   Their compassion and concern for others, their focus on relationships, and the intensity of their feelings may interfere with everyday tasks.  In a nutshell, one's intensity, though hard to live with, is actually an integral part of a child's future positive development. 

Accept all feelings, regardless of intensity. For people who are not highly emotional, this seems particularly odd. They feel that those high in Emotional OE are just being melodramatic. But if we accept their emotional intensity and help them work through any problems that might result, we will facilitate healthy growth.  Teach individuals to anticipate physical and emotional responses and prepare for them. Emotionally intense people often don’t know when they are becoming so overwrought that they may lose control or may have physical responses to their emotions. Help them to identify the physical warning signs of their emotional stress such as headache, sweaty palms, and stomachache. By knowing the warning signs and acting on them early, individuals will be better able to cope with emotional situations and not lose control.  (Sharon Lind, Overexcitability and the Gifted, SENG newsletter, 2001, 1(1)3-6).  For more information about the emotional needs of gifted children, please visit SENG.

Emotional intensity is but one reason why we unschool our children.  L's overexcitable needs, though pervasive across all five areas, are easily met through self directed learning with no limitation on his intensive focus in desired areas as well as no restriction on his need to move about like a hummingbird.  S, on the other hand, needs to feel intense love and understanding to feel happy and he requires constant loving contact from me.  Close emotional and physical proximity to mom is an important part of his day. Without the feeling of emotional connection to me he feels empty and glum.  His emotional intensity scares me.  Depression and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon for profoundly gifted individuals and for a kid as emotionally volatile as S it is something we remain acutely aware of and try to discuss openly in a developmentally appropriate manner.  Open communication is imperative when engaging with my children.  Pandering is futile and unwelcome.  

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