Save the Gifted

Parents generally know their children are gifted from a very early age, far before any formal testing is administered or even necessary. Most of us who have babies that are early talkers with sophisticated vocabulary and proper use of grammar mechanics get clued in that our children are different from the norm. When we read the baby development milestone checklists and nothing truly is relevant, the awareness becomes solidified in our minds. As people in the outside world stare, marvel and comment on the precociousness of our children and offer unsolicited educational advice while our children are still in diapers, the signs become pretty obvious; however, it is what we do with all this information about who are children are that matters.

I just described our early years and yet I didn't advocate for my child properly when we first sought out and participated in the traditional schooling experience. I didn't adequately vocalize my children's unique needs because the word gifted is taboo and apparently, a turn off to many educators and admissions directors which therefore needs to be skirted around carefully so as not to hurt any one's feelings or come off like a pushy parent. I didn't aggressively fight for my child's extraordinary learning needs because I was just too trusting that he would get his educational needs met within the school environment. I was a neophyte back then and my kid paid the price. 

Though private preschool was an unnecessary but passable experience, the local "good charter school" was an entirely different story. Once again, my efforts to speak to administrators and teachers were thwarted since they "don't test until third grade and there is no GATE (gifted and talented education) program until middle school." So, essentially no one cares about gifted kids until they are tweens which pretty much sheds light on how clueless the school system is when it pertains to gifted children. Our children certainly are gifted before they hit adolescence and they tend to be intense gifted 24/7 kind of like breathing.  In fact, if we don't advocate properly for our children while they are young and rapidly developing their minds, discovering their identity and establishing their place in the world, then we will do them a huge, sometimes irreparable disservice.

The traditional school system is replete with inadequacies and their lack of awareness of what it truly means to be gifted highlights their ignorance when it comes to how gifted children learn and experience the world. I am sure there may be a few schools out there that understand moderately gifted children, their overexcitabilities and asynchronicity but they are not widely available and most are incapable of accommodating a profoundly gifted (PG) child. Those of us with PG kids need to suck it up and figure it out pretty quickly or the repercussions will permeate the home life and damage the child. Gifted education is not focused on when teacher training is happening as administrative matters are the priority. 

When special needs training occurs, it specifically carves out the unique needs of gifted and twice-exceptional (2e) children. Teachers and administrators are not educated nor capable of attending to the complex needs of 2e children, who are both gifted and learning disabled and suffer greatly in a traditional school environment. Parents are the ones who end up bearing the responsibility to become educated about what it means to be gifted or 2e and they will be the ones to spend countless hours reading, researching, attending support groups and advocating for their gifted or 2e child. It is time well spent but not every parent is aware enough or capable of teasing out the unique characteristics of their gifted child and determining what are the appropriate social-emotional, psychological and educational needs of their children. Many parents end up seeking the guidance of professionals and are burdened by the out-of-pocket costs that neither the state nor their health insurance will cover. So, while it is an interesting experience parenting a gifted child, it can also be both confusing and expensive and not everyone is able to handle the intensity that pervades daily life. Gifted intensity can wreak havoc on a family and is generally not embraced by teachers; throw in some overexcitabilities and a huge dose of asynchronicity and you have a recipe for disaster.

Gifted children waste a tremendous amount of time in a traditional classroom. A PG child not only wastes 100% of their time in a classroom, but they can also develop behavioral issues, apathy toward learning, a distrust of adults and may suffer from psychological damage including exacerbation of anxiety. I speak from real-life experience. PG kids are at-risk in a school environment and it is neglectful, borderline abusive, to force them to stay in prison school. PG kids are full of potential but their future diminishes the longer they spend time dumbing down or conforming to the mediocre expectations forced upon them in a standard classroom. It is not uncommon for a misunderstood gifted child to be both pathologized and punished in school which often leaves the child feeling helpless and tarnishes their psyche. We, and countless other families that I work with, have experienced this abuse and misdiagnosis firsthand. Even worse is when they get medicated so that they can sit still and endure the banal curriculum solely to make them more palatable to their teachers. Some PG kids are labeled with multiple erroneous disorders and are never acknowledged as the intelligent outliers that they are. This is a heartbreaking reality.

My kid was becoming a cautionary tale. I had to act quickly. 

On my child's way out of the broken public school system in Los Angeles, he did a layover at a progressive school that repaired him socially and psychologically which was just what he needed to become a whole, happy person again. He didn't learn anything and despite his extreme mathematical abilities that exceeded what any teacher there could nurture, he was never included in the advanced math groupings. At this school I advocated more but they just were not equipped to handle a child like mine. What is a stressed out mother to do with her PG son who embodies extreme asynchronicity, maxes out all five of Dabrowski's overexcitabilities and engages in argument for sport? Enter homeschooling, unschooling, radical unschooling. Radical unschooling is the only option for us whether we were prepared for it or not. Fortunately, it fits us like a glove. Am I advocating for my child? I get on my soap box daily and fight for all gifted children by educating parents about alternative educational choices when their children cannot and should not endure school.

Profoundly gifted children, in particular, thrive with self-directed learning. Their accelerated minds never stop and they generally learn on their own terms. For some children, clandestine learning is a unique attribute that personalizes their experience of acquiring and assimilating knowledge. Trying to push uninteresting academic material on a PG kid may end up in a power struggle that could be easily avoided if that child is given the freedom to let his mind wander. Advocating for my children means that I am providing them with the safety and freedom to express themselves fully while they engage in that which interests them rather than forcing them to endure the boredom and conformity that is omnipresent in traditional schools. PG kids are natural non-conformists which is a trait I both respect and support. I am not trying to make them become a preconceived version of who they are meant to be. My role is to facilitate and support their development while embracing their individuality. They are autonomous human beings living on their own terms and creating their own unique path which is celebrated rather than punished. No matter how much we advocate for our gifted children, schools are only willing to go so far to accommodate them at the minimal level required. I want more for our unique, intense children and merely tolerating them is not acceptable to me. 

My version of advocacy is to highlight that alternative education is often an optimal fit for gifted children. I would take it a step further and say that interest-led learning with a strength based approach is preferable to any forced academics at home or elsewhere. Passion-led, interest-led, child-led, self-directed learning which are all terms that embody the same unschooling sentiment, allow children time to discover their interests and delve as deeply as they need to go while they figure out how they learn best. Unschooling requires a shift in mindset for many new parents and radical unschooling extends the notion of freedom to the whole child beyond just the educational component. With this approach, children are truly guiding their own lives and they turn to us for support as needed. As the parent, I may attempt to influence or guide them but my children make their own choices. It is not always smooth sailing but it is real life at its finest. I am not worried about how they will fare in the real world as we are living in it right now. Radical unschooling is nothing more than authentic living and meaningful learning all day long. We don't stop learning because a bell tells us it is time to switch gears; if we are focused and engaged on an activity, it is all consuming and it ends when our minds are satiated. This unschooling journey is enjoyable for parents as well. Our days aren't stressful and I have ample time to read, write, research and expand my knowledge while engaging with my children. Though some days the intensity is all consuming, we are an extremely close and deeply connected family.

Not all lifestyles allow for a parent to stay at home with their child; however, if the opportunity is available to you then consider opening up your mind to a different parenting and educational approach. You just might be surprised to discover who your child truly is and what he is capable of when he is provided with the opportunity to engage in limitless, personalized learning. The goal for "normal" children may be to make them well-rounded human beings that stagnate at a moderate level across multiple domains; however, gifted children are excellent specialists so support their passions and let them fly. 

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This Blog is part of a Blog Hop on Gifted Advocacy: