Don't Punish Kids & Don't Punish Technology

One problem with having a super techie hacker kid is that he, and by some extension I, get blamed for all technological problems if my kid is in the vicinity.  Even if he is nowhere in the geographic area but had previously been nearby some technology, I may get a call or text days later with my son being everyone's prime suspect for the glitchy disturbance.  My son has become everyone's scapegoat for anything tech related that goes wrong.

I will demonstrate with a real life example that just happened.  A good friend of mine had a complete freakout that my kid and her 11 year old texted an adult friend of the family on the 11 year old's iPad. Because of their own decision to have adult texts appear on their kid's iPad, the kid was privvy to his dad's texts to which he responded in a misguided effort to stand up for his mom.  The kid was being heroic in his mind, I am sure.  It was childlike, silly and completely harmless. The immediate response was to blame my kid for the entire miscommunication in texting and to remove technology completely from their lives as if that is the best and only response to the matter.  It was also a total aberration from how my son utilizes technology and therefor his participation seemed unlikely.  This type of situation has happened a few times recently with today's experience culminating in some tears shed over the power of technology.  My kid and I could not get out of there fast enough...it was just too much pressure to stand up for media and technology on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  

Okay, to each his own.  I don't really care about how other people utilize or shun technology and I am fine with a tech free play date as well.  What I am getting tired of is having to defend my child for other people's choices or digital limitations.  My kid knows the parameters of social media and understands how to use technology responsibly.  I do not monitor or censor what my child does with technology because we do not need to.  He uses technology to program, create and learn and he uses it well.  

I was shocked to realize that my rather enlightened friend and I approach parenting so very differently.  Aside from the fact that we are a family that thoroughly embraces technology and appreciates it's positives, our approach to how we talk to our kids when an issue arises is so very different than some families.   My son and I discussed the texting situation calmly with no threat of punitive action and therefor no need to lie.  Anything my kid told me would not have resulted in removal of access to any technology.  I do not withhold his passion and I do not punish my kids.

My friend, on the other hand, freaked out, like, over the top, losing her mind, yelling at me, standing over her cowering child with her 6'2" husband nearby as they cornered the kid and grilled him in an accusatory manner about the events that transpired...who did what and when.  Of course he felt like he needed to lie about who wrote the innocuous texts because he was truly backed into a corner.  I felt the kid's confusion, anxiety and fear for making a reasonable mistake that got immediately blown out of proportion.  The tension was palpable.  My friend was blaming my kid, shaming her own kid and throwing media and technology under the proverbial bus.  

The whole scene was explosive and negative and her child learned that 1) technology is evil and 2) lying is better than telling the truth.  I just kept reassuring my child that everything was okay and we discussed how words have impact, context is not always clear in quick texts and that digital writing is indelible.  

I prefer our life lesson discussions to punitive measures.  I just do not get the point in punishing or demoralizing a child for an innocent mistake?  If we never make mistakes then how will we ever learn?  Learning and talking about the impact of our choices equals growth and development.  Aren't we supposed to guide our children through life and teach them how to navigate the twists and turns that come our way?  Punishing a child for making a mistake will do nothing to foster truth and openness in the parent-child relationship.  I do not expect children to be perfectly behaved and faultless...I do not expect that of adults either.   We strive to have well adjusted children who can make their own choices, appreciate the impact of those choices, learn, grow, speak openly and live authentically.  

Whether you shield technology from your child's life is up to you but if you actually addressed social media protocols and internet safety rather than pretending that we are not living in the digital age, then your child may actually be able to navigate technology and the changing world efficiently.  Parenting styles differ, lifestyle choices are personal, but please stop blaming my kid for the power of technology.

Rant over.