Holiday Tips and Tricks for High Maintenance Introverts

We are a family of incredibly strong personalities with even stronger opinions about everything and we are in your face about it.  My husband is socially reserved and introverted.  I take on the social burden of my family as I am capable of being socially engaged despite being intense.  My boys are different.  They are all wild cards that do not appreciate what the holidays mean to most people.  They may be polite, thoughtful and engaged or they may act like crazy little kooks with no way to anticipate which version of their personality will be displayed.  We sometimes forewarn the kids about grandparental expectations and try to guide them as to how to get through the holidays with relative ease.  What we are unable to do is make our kids perform in an artificial manner just to appear obedient.  They are individuals who sometimes make us look like our parenting choices are too lax.  I do not love it when they represent themselves as wild children; however, we have cultivated a family dynamic that allows for freedom of expression even when that expression is both annoying and embarrassing which it sometimes is.

                       

  

We hit up two houses on most holidays in an effort to see as many grandparents and great grandparents as possible.  The drive is long, the day is tiring and I am the only one who actually enjoys the holiday spread.  I am a small person with a huge appetite so doubling up on calorie rich food in one day is no problem for me. I make grandmas happy in that respect.   My five year old, S, is adventurous enough to try some of the food but I cannot say the same for my ten year old, L, or my husband.  Such selective eaters those two.  Doubling up on two feasts with high maintenance appetites adds an uncomfortable element when grandma is all about cooking in general, and Thanksgiving in particular. She has been prepping for weeks already and would like nothing more than to watch her great grandkids enjoy her hard work in the kitchen but no such luck.  Every year is the same...great grandma repeatedly tries to offer up food to my boys that they are not interested in and she is relentless. The kids feel uncomfortable being put on the spot and I have to intervene as I am the parent and our lifestyle choices and freedom follow us.  My kids are not forced to eat food which they do not want. Usually, hubby eats a hearty meal in advance and I end up making a bowl of pasta for L while everyone else enjoys turkey and stuffing.  We customize Thanksgiving so no one's mood is affected by hunger and lack of relevant food choices.  The Harrington boys go from hungry to headache quickly if they do not get their highly specific food needs met.  This is a fun part of many days.

The hardest part of bringing our circus into other people's homes (even family) is that who we are and what our lifestyle is, appears very different and confusing even to our closest family and friends.  It has been awhile now since we started respecting the uniqueness of my oldest child's need to learn independently.  It started with his academic needs that were not being met but it has evolved into so much more.  Our entire lifestyle and thinking has evolved and we only get more extreme as we continue down this path.  Even those that understand why we are unschooling L, still question me about S and what he is learning.  L exudes prodigious ability, vast knowledge and superior abstract thinking...his brilliance is palpable.  At five, S is coming into his own but he does not display the in your face intellectual gymnastics the way his brother does, so no one appreciates why we would choose to unschool him as well. What they do not get is that we no longer believe in the concept of school as we all know it.  I do not believe in compulsory schooling or forcing kids to learn and do that which does not enrich them authentically.   These are the ideas that permeate our way of living.  Most of the family members on both sides are fairly traditional rule followers who tow the line, send their kids to school and do not question the arbitrary path of what is normal and expected.   I wonder when our collective family will truly understand what we are doing.  My brother thinks I am insane.   I think it is insane to send a neuroatypical child to a big public school to fend for himself amongst a large group of typical kids...but that is just me.

The thing is, when we are at great grandma's house the cousins are there too which adds more noise and frenetic energy.  L and I love playing with my little 2 year old niece while the 5 and 6 year old boys create reasonable havoc.  The rambunctiousness goes over less well with my mom these days.  Her tolerance for loud and rowdy children has become non existent.  Great grandma just turns down the hearing aid and focuses her attention toward the main attraction...the meal. Her meals are perfection and authentically American.  These Thanksgiving nights have the ability to be highly enjoyable and oftentimes are; however, they are also pretty exhausting as some family members create stress instead of harmony.  The personality quirks and control issues are so deep and varied that they defy all boundaries of "normal."  Welcoming friends to our Thanksgiving dinners used to be about including those that didn't have family nearby.  Now, we invite other families as a distracting buffer from the clashing personalities. Fortunately, digital devices and a new book help to make the time pass while adults linger at the table.  I am pretty sure my mom did the same for me back in the day.  I remember getting some new present on each big family holiday, probably to keep me occupied.  We shouldn't have to rely on technology or something novel but with a house full of chaos, creating some quiet, non destructive fun for the kids proves essential.

The hardest part for me, other than managing all the personality quirks, is that I really want pictures of all our family craziness.  Not for craziness sake, but great grandma is 94, my mom is getting older and I would like to have some memories of what our life is like.   The problem is, rarely will both kids cooperate in terms of taking pictures which, in turn, makes me anxious that I am missing key moments in their life, and then no one wants to participate in picture time. These eventful holiday get togethers are going to wane when the matriarch is no longer here to get us to all come together in one home for a family meal.  Documenting these moments is very important to me. Holiday pictures are the one time that I may resort to bribing as much as I hate to admit it.  The power of great grandma's chocolate pot de creme could turn my kids into cooperative, smiling children...at least for a moment.  The photos may be a little forced but they usually get into the spirit enough that they are not entirely inauthentic.  That is enough for me.  

                       

Holiday time brings joy to many people. For us it is a cacophony of polar personalities who are stretched to their limits under the notion that we should all be thankful for an abundance of food that some of us do not enjoy.  

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This blog post is part of a blog hop on how to survive the holiday season with gifted children.  For more participating blogs:  http://goo.gl/V34SzX