The statement all kids are gifted gets thrown around a lot like here or the not too dissimilar thought Seth Godin tried to perpetuate stating that we can learn to be gifted if we practice and it is entirely offensive and ignorant. Not all kids are gifted and gifted shouldn't be a bad word but it is because parents of neurotypical kids are internalizing and incorrectly assuming it means smart, straight As and easygoing. Really? I am raising two profoundly gifted boys one of whom is a prodigy and nothing about them or our life is easygoing. My kids are not straight A students. My kids are so completely different that school does not even apply to them. Their brilliance is undeniable and awesome and I would never change a thing but they are very far from "normal." They actually canNOT thrive in school because school is designed for "normal" kids. You know those kids who have friends and play sports and like popular TV shows and music. "Normal" kids who have sleepovers and eat all sorts of foods and can go to amusement parks and get along well with others. "Normal" just isn't enough for "normal" parents. "Normal" parents want to be able to say that all kids are gifted. The fact is that most kids are "normal" and every day life is designed for "normal" people.
While all children are gifts, not all of them are gifted. We, as a culture, love to embrace a talented artist and we cherish athletic prowess but we show disdain for an intellectually gifted child. Giftedness in children should be nourished and cultivated as they are the ones that will develop cures for cancer, invent useful products, discover unique methods for sustainable living, create innovative technological advances and inspire future generations to excel.
Well, I will tell you what gifted really is. Gifted is neurological wiring in the brain that lasts a lifetime. Gifted is neuroatypicality kind of like how Autism is neuroatypicality. Gifted means that your entire experience of the world is qualitatively different from the norm. Gifted means that your child will likely never fit in at school, will be misunderstood by teachers and likely pathologized and punished. Gifted means that making and keeping friends will be infinitely harder and everyday life will be challenging and bizarre.
Gifted means asynchronous development which means that gifted children are many ages at once. A gifted child may have an intellect several years higher than their physical age, the emotional regulation and physical dexterity of a child several years younger than their age with the social desires of a child their chronological age all trapped in one body. This is a gifted child's reality every day. The mind may have brilliant thoughts trapped in a body that cannot execute them well.
Parents of gifted children are shunned if they talk about their child's accomplishments publicly instead of celebrated. When we talk about what our children are doing it is not meant to minimize what your "normal" kid does just like when you talk about your kid's successes we don't try to belittle them. Parenting is not a competition. We are all on a different journey and parenting a gifted child is a bumpy and confusing experience and no one size fits all parenting book or educational approach applies. Gifted kids are the outliers, the odd birds, the kids that march to the beat of their own drum, the ones that get teased on the playground and bullied by their teachers. Gifted is not easy. It is joyful at times and completely baffling at others. Gifted does not represent everyone much like everyone isn't Autistic. It is belittling to those who are given the challenge of raising these unique children where everyday is unpredictable. Gifted requires a modification in parenting, education and often includes special counseling.
Gifted means that my child will never have a "normal" life. Gifted does not automatically equate with success. While it is true that some gifted people are successful, many have so many emotional issues like depression and anxiety that prevent them from fully realizing their potential. Gifted means that you always feel different from the majority of people you come across and not everyone embraces different. Gifted means that you are rarely going to follow rules and tow the line which makes gainful employment difficult. When giftedness is cultivated in a supportive environment then a gifted child may flourish but sadly, because of our culture's disdain for gifted children and the lack of support they receive in schools, many gifted children do not lead happy, productive lives and that is a tragedy.
Do you still think all children are gifted?
Thank you so much for this! So well written.
ReplyDeleteYES! Thank you!!! This is perfection.
ReplyDeleteI love this! This is exactly spot on! I have had to learn to be very careful who I talk to about my children, because certain people think that I am bragging, or comparing, which is not the case. I am just trying to figure things out, and trying to figure out where my child should be. I have been told the whole "every child is gifted" crap, and it is annoying, because those who say things like that truly don't seem to get it. Just because my kid is labeled as gifted, has skipped a grade, and is still at the top of his class, doesn't mean that you need to be offended. There are so many challenges that can come along with a kid like him, and it makes it so much harder because I am not allowed to talk about it, because it would make people with "normal kids" feel bad.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the rant. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. :)
I've read (and cried over) G's post, been irked a bit by Redwhiteandgrew's two cents, but your post actually made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, which leads me to comment.
ReplyDelete"Gifted means that my child will never have a "normal" life."
As a parent of two "profoundly gifted" children, we're finding our "norm" quite nicely. Life is always "bumpy and confusing," but it's relative. Since the beginning of time, parents have been facing challenges and finding solutions. It's called parenting and it's your job to help them find their normal.
Every child is different. Every child has successes and every child has challenges. What frustrated me today is how you highlight the burdens of parenting a gifted child while G was merely saying that all humans, not just children, are unique and valid and breathtakingly phenomenal.
And of course they are unique and valid and phenomenal, but by using the term "gifted", Glennon is yet another voice making it harder for identified gifted kids to get the support they need. If every child is "gifted" why should one child be skipped a grade or get subject-area acceleration or whatever other strategy can help him succeed in a typical classroom?
DeleteHonestly, I wish we had a word other than "gifted" to describe ourselves and our kids.
Yes, our kids are phenomenal but that part isn't highlighted here as much as to show that gifted is many things in addition to phenomenal. Mainstream "normal" parents only equate gifted with phenomenal so I was expressly trying to illustrate the whole picture. I have plenty of blogposts that demonstrate the awesomeness of our gifted children. Alongside the awesomeness is a whole host of other attributes. And, yes, my prodigy child is "normal" to me.
DeleteI think the misuse of the term "gifted" is comparable in some ways to when people glibly claim that they have a "learning disability." When someone cannot remember how to spell a word, and then laughs and says that it's because of an LD, it does a disservice to those individuals who have been diagnosed with LDs and truly suffer from them.
DeleteIn a similar manner, claiming that every child is "gifted" dilutes the meaning of the term and minimizes the impact giftedness has on the child and family.
Gail Post/ www.giftedchallenges.com
Julie Brizard: You took the words right out of my mouth.
DeleteI LOVE this post. Thank you for being brave enough to say it- and my experience with my 16 1/2 year old son validates everything you have said. This journey we are given, to raise these children, is something that others will never understand unless they experience it.
ReplyDeleteWould have liked it if you quoted the percentages in the population for "gifted" and "PG".
ReplyDeleteIf a kid is smart and gets good grades in school they can be in the middle of the bell curve on their WISC IV and be a success in school, but they are average intelligence not gifted. I don't think all parents understand this.
We struggle to parent two kids. The older had the WISC IV full scale, the younger has not been tested but has so many of the same signs, and comes from the same two parents. So I have one certifiable gifted kid. Not PG. Life is hard with "just a gifted kid".
However we are also not in competition with each other about whose kid is more gifted. Or that a PG kid is better than a gifted kid. Or anything.
Percentage of individuals who are "gifted" is widely accepted to be the top 5% on an IQ scale (with lots of variance by geographic regions), while PG is the top 0.1% (not 1%... POINT 1% - a tenth of a percentage point).
DeleteI can strongly relate to this post. I always cringe at this Facebook e-card (or whatever it is) that I see floating around that says something like "childhood isn't a race to see who can read the fastest..." etc. I'm sure you've probably seen the quote. I don't remember it exactly. Anyway, I cringe, because I have two children who both learned to read by age 3 1/2 (and a 22 month old who is probably on track to do the same). They just love reading. They are also pretty advanced in other areas. They love learning. My oldest is turning 7 next month, and I know that he is gifted. He has not been evaluated, but I was determined to be gifted when I was in elementary school, and I see a lot of similarities between us (my husband was in the gifted programs as well). It took me a long time to realize that he is gifted, and it's weird when you figure that out; it's exciting...but in my experience, people look at ME when they figure out that your three year old can read fluently and they want to know "how did you do it?" I used to just tell people "oh, we read all the time...and he watches a lot of Sesame Street" Lol! That's what I actually believed for a while, until I was reading some list of gifted traits online somewhere and my son had most of them. And then I remembered that both my husband and I are gifted. DUH! Ha. Anyway, all that rambling to say, that people look at you, the parent, as if you did something brilliant and amazing with your kids and ask "what flashcards did you use?" and stuff like that. And it is hard to talk about, because when you know they do all this advanced academic-type stuff because they are gifted, and you *say* that it's because they are gifted, I think people don't know how to respond to that. Back to the e-card, I think if I share what my children are doing sometimes, someone would take offense and think that I'm bragging. Maybe that's a fear I need to just get over.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, to answer your question, I think everyone has *strengths* but not everyone is gifted.
I'm glad to find this blog and some of the gifted groups I've found on Facebook. It's nice to read about and meet people who have similar experiences!